Civil War

(spoilers, duh!)

 

Alright so it’s a little late – it’s been ages since I watched CA:CW, I’m fairly sure it’s either stopped showing or going to stop showing soon. But seeing as Captain America is my one true love and all, this post is somewhat obligatory.

 

Civil War. What can I say? Obviously the helicopter scene did nothing to quell my hormones (be still, my beating heart!) Just, wow. If you did not appreciate Chris Evans’ amazing biceps in that photo you are not human. (Or possibly just not female. Though my male friends were pretty appreciative too – just in a more time-to-hit-the-gym way rather than a my-ovaries-are-exploding way.)

 

Apart from the drool-inducing biceps?

 

Well, the movie was alright on the whole, I guess. It could have been better – quite honestly I preferred CA:TWS, and not just because I am an avid Romanogers fan. (Yeah, Black Widow is my other true love – one day my dreams of the good captain x badass redhead x me will happen – I believe!!! Oh and they’ll let me keep ice cream on the side, while I’m at it. What? Let me be. My fantasies, my rules.)

 

Civil War, in my opinion, was very much fan-service – because your favourite Marvel character pretty much had to be in there somewhere (unless your favourite Marvel character is Hulk or Thor or somebody else Marvel couldn’t afford to bring in with everybody else in the movie – but regardless, you had endless options to choose from for the 2.5hr-duration).

 

Don’t get me wrong, Ant-Man and Spider-Man were great. Ant-Man wreaking havoc inside Iron Man’s suit, pretending to be his conscience speaking? F—ing 10/10. And while that was hilarious, the moment that shocked me into breathless laughter was Tony Stark’s plaintive “Anybody on our side hiding any shocking or fantastic abilities they’d like to disclose?” Giant-Man FOR THE WIN. Paul Rudd is a fantastic actor, and the reaction to meeting Captain America was simply great. And Spider-Man, oh Spider-Man – how precious was he? His naïve chatter and frank admiration (“You have a metal arm? That is AWESOME, dude!”) was just adorable – a stark (pun fully intended) contrast to the usual snarky quips that characterise the Marvel universe. And his ability to hold his own against so many Avengers? For a kid that still worries about homework, that’s pretty darn impressive. (Side-note: how can Marisa Tomei be 51?? She looks NOTHING like it, wow… please, powers-that-be, please let me age that well.)

 

I won’t wax poetic on Cap for too long, but, well, it is his movie (in name, at least, if nothing else – how come Tony and Thor get several movies based mostly around themselves but they have to stuff every other spare superhero into Cap’s movies? just because he’s nice enough to share… KIDDING kidding). In all seriousness, while it seems like the Captain’s fault this whole ‘civil war’ exists? If I was a 90-year-old who’d sacrificed everything for king and country (well, President and country), only to find myself revived in a time where everyone I knew was dead or dying? I’d like to think I’d fight pretty hard too for the last person I knew from before still alive – especially when said person was my best friend who’d been the only person there for me countless times growing up. I’m not going to say the Captain was faultless, but I am saying I understand his actions, and do not agree with the hate. Haters gonna hate!!1!1!! (And potatoes gonna potate!1!!*)

 

On to other issues. I’m a little curious how newcomer T’challa, a crown prince, is supposed to just take to superhero life like a duck to water (or a cat to… heights? idk). So he probably has to keep up a decent level of fitness normally, but really? Some suspension of disbelief is in order here. Apart from that, he makes an interesting addition to the cast. Bucky – I probably shouldn’t say this, considering Bucky is a formerly-brainwashed high-kill-count ruthless assassin – but god, I love Bucky. Or Sebastian Stan, as it were – it was probably more obvious in The Winter Soldier, but he’s just so… lost. The emotion in his eyes and mouth – every little microexpression is staggering in effect. Bucky makes me FEEL. Feeeeeelings, gawd. I get the feeling Marvel might push for the Soviet Spouses, especially given the possible sneaky reference to Black Widow’s Red Room past (“You could at least recognise me!”) – and that is not a total loss, I suppose, though I still feel Steve and Natasha are the better match (the chemistry, people! endless.) At any rate, nothing could be worse than HulkxWidow (though StevexSharon is a close second). Really, Marvel, what are you thinking??? HulkxWidow was just a big no-no that came out of absolutely nowhere and lent AOU an awkward tension, and not in a good way. Meanwhile, Steve and Sharon – apart from alliteration, and Steve’s first love AKA SHARON’S AUNT, the two have absolutely nothing in common, not to mention no chemistry AT ALL. Seriously. (It’s not jealousy, I promise.) How terrible was that on-screen kiss? The saving grace of that scene was Bucky and Sam nodding away in the car. (Woot for the best wingmen – one of them literally – ever! Now that’s bromance at its finest.)

 

My MAIN issue with Civil War however is Baron Zemo. Yep, that guy. It’s not just because he’s the villain – who doesn’t appreciate a good villain? (See Loki, for example – Loki was great, at least until he died and came back to life one too many times.) The problem is, Zemo was NOT a good villain. I’m supposed to believe he somehow knew Bucky killed Tony Stark’s parents, went searching for positive confirmation of this (why is there footage of a top-secret mission in the middle of nowhere?), and predicted precisely the following chain of events, in which Tony was the only one (discounting T’challa) to find Bucky/Steve, and everybody reacted in the exact same way that they did. Suspension of disbelief not working, #sorrynotsorry. You’re telling me that this one man managed to orchestrate the whole of the Avengers’ Civil War (which btw would have been the better title for the film)? Yeah, no. That is NOT how war works, buddy – if he could do this, entire civilisations would have been toppled by now.

 

(Incidentally, when exactly in the time between being unfrozen and saving the world 2 or 3 times over – no biggie – would the Cap-sicle have had time to find out about Tony’s parents’ deaths? He might’ve looked into his friend Howard’s death, sure, but given it was supposed to look like an accident involving too much alcohol and a winding country road, HYDRA really did a terrible job covering their tracks for being a secret organisation in a secret organisation. And don’t tell me Cap got the information from SHIELD’s files after CA:TWS when Black Widow released them, because if The Man Out Of Time could navigate the wonders of modern technology and reach those files then surely Tony Stark would’ve gotten there first.) Plot holes, people! Plot holes everywhere.

 

Scoring on the Liz scale of movie awesomeness:

+30 for being a Captain America movie

-10 for being a Cap movie only really in name

+50 Spider-Man

+55 Ant-Man (esp. Giant-Man)

+10 just because Marvel

-100 Baron Zemo

-50 that kiss ugh *shudders*

+100 dem biceps 😉 like DAYUMMM (emphasis on the YUMMM)

Total: 85/100

 

And that’s Civil War down for the count. Verdict? “O Captain! My Captain!” (a.k.a. Tony Stank)**

 

Love,

Lizzy ❤

 

P.S. featured photo is the CAPTAIN AMERICA MERCHANDISE DAD GOT ME AS PART OF A PRESENT WHEN I CAME BACK TO SYD ❤ (he said he was going to wear the jumper but it was too small HAHA SCORE FOR LIZ) (the other part of the welcome-back present was also pretty great – a box of the new Krispy Kreme doughnuts from 7-11, except he got hungry and ate the strawberry one; fyi apparently that one’s soggy and falls apart, but I got the custard which was quite yummy hehe) (Mum got me some Asian dessert stuffs too) (I think going to QLD has made my parents miss me more wow)

P.P.S. I can’t believe I’ve written 1k+ words on CA:CW, a feat I never even managed in any of my highschool essays wow

 

*yes that is a reference to the parody song (MEANING: DON’T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY, IT’S CALLED SATIRE) made by the prefects a couple grades above us – I think the school is now trying to crack down on that sort of thing 😦 so if you haven’t seen it watch it quick here as well as our grade’s parody from last year here before they’re taken down

**I haven’t read the poem, I know the phrase from Dead Poets Society (which is actually a pretty great film btw). Also I don’t hate Tony I actually like him a lot, I’m just poking fun and taking the opportunity to reference Stan Lee’s brilliant-as-usual movie cameo 😛

 

edit: 4TH OF JULY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEVE ROGERS/CAPTAIN AMERICA/MY LOVE ❤

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