(the horror, the horror…?*)
I freely admit to being a ginormous scaredy-cat. When watching horror, I lean as far back as possible in my seat. I cover my face with my hands (and peek through my fingers, making the whole effort rather futile.) I turn down the volume (if I’m at home and not cringing in the cinema.)
However, this film was actually – not all that scary. Touching, really. (And this coming from the girl who got scared by the Lights Out trailer – without sound.)
Let’s start at the beginning. (Duh, Liz, where else would you start?) The stationmaster/guard/conductor? guy completely misses the zombified woman boarding the train. Surely he should have noticed her coming down that long flight of stairs and at least delayed, if not stopped, her long enough that the train would have left… and we would not have this movie. Moving on.
The way the zombies functioned was rather… interesting, to say the least. Both newspapers and darkness appeared to be effective deterrents, which suggests they attack on sight. And yet they have brains enough to actively search each row of seats when they don’t immediately see a potential victim?
Shoutout though to the many memorable characters in the movie. The husband of the pregnant lady is beyond kickass (and also beyond whipped), the homeless man has more lives than a cat and the selfish rich dude is impossible not to hate. Together their stories interweave to form a surprisingly compelling action sequence, featuring of course the latest weapon of choice à la Margot Robbie: baseball bats. Alas, all of this is not enough to save our protagonist and resident hottie, who is too honourable for his own good and ends up a martyr. (Not saying he was wrong to throw himself off his train to save his daughter, only that he could’ve completely avoided being bitten in the first place if he’d been willing to chuck the zombified selfish rich dude off the train earlier.) And voila – somewhat predictably, the child and the pregnant lady survive. (Women and children first!**) Of course, one final curveball – they nearly get shot, but luckily for them the child’s rather awful singing (I don’t claim greatness by any means but hers was honestly rather cringe-inducing by anyone’s standards) saves them.
Scoring on the Liz scale of movie awesomeness:
+100 badass husband dude!! (so sad for him 😦 )
-50 ridiculous that initial station guard completely missed the zombified woman
+50 baseball bats (Harley Quinn did it first people)
-10 DILF being too honourable to throw zombified asshole off train
-10 singing truly awful even if it saved their lives sorry
Verdict: Do you hear the people sing?*** (And yes, they’re definitely people because zombies don’t sing.)
P.S. My friends and I came to the conclusion that running away in a zombie apocalypse is too much effort and we’d probably let ourselves become zombified – talk about laziness.
*Heart of Darkness