(really, what’s so bad about having feelings?)
Yesterday night while sitting around thinking about life (as you do) I came to a firm decision – that henceforth I would try more to be ME; to do what makes me happy, instead of caring so much what others think. No more FOMO, no more fear of judgement. A very neat resolution – which lasted precisely until this morning, when a friend made a comment and I started jumping to conclusions.
The only thing worse than overthinking is overthinking your overthinking. Yeap, you read that right. When somebody says something that hits my many, many insecurities (re: this morning), my mind goes into overdrive. But then, because I’m a rational, calm person who hates confrontation of any kind, I remind myself that it’s just me, being completely OTT yet again. And that because I’m the one overthinking, I shouldn’t say anything, lest I be thought of as petty or selfish.
You know that meme about being tough on the outside but secretly sensitive on the inside? That’s basically me. Not so much tough as in control – that’s another relatable meme, the girl smiling for the photo as a fire blazes behind her. For our high school graduation some lovely people organised a system where we could write final notes to our peers, and a common theme for mine? Being happy/friendly/bubbly, or some variant thereof. While I’m very glad to be perceived as such – who wouldn’t? it’s one of aims in life to always be that way – it can be rather taxing. Just because I’m positive and calm about everything all the time doesn’t mean I can take all comments lightly, and a perpetually smiling face doesn’t always equal a sunny personality on the inside.
My housemate and I watch a lot of shows together because we’re cute like that 🙂 Well, today, rather horrifyingly, I finally understood the reasoning behind Hannah Baker’s tapes in 13 Reasons Why, a show that previously annoyed me because how sadistic can you be to leave behind suicide tapes?! But I get it, partially. Sometimes you try to hold it all in, bottle it up, blame it on yourself – and it’s all so TIRING. Life would be so much easier if you could pin the blame on someone else, instead of trying to take it all for yourself while staying strong. Certainly you wouldn’t be just ‘sensitive’ if the fault really lay with other people. (Of course, my experiences are nothing compared to Hannah’s in the show – I’m generalising here.)
At any rate, today was hard, I’m not gonna lie. I mulled obsessively for three whole hours while drilling teeth, and considered going to the bathroom to cry or student services for counselling. Instead, I waited to get home and had a nice gratifying breakdown (first in over a year) in the comfort of my room, followed by lunch, ice cream and now chocolate. And it’s not my friend’s fault – not entirely. It’s a combination of today’s happenings, memories of previous similar situations and my own sensitivity.
But guess what? This is who I am. I am sensitive. I try my best not to be. And to everyone reading this? Please always think before you speak, even to that one best friend who’s always happy. It could just make the difference in someone’s day.
P.S. I know I made that resolution to not care so much what others think, but I’m still too much of a coward to post this to Facebook okay? I love my friend and I hate confrontation so I’ll save it for next time, if it happens again. And I’m in a better mood now, thanks to some wonderful friends and the ever-therapeutic blogging.
P.P.S. Bad Day is actually a really uplifting song :’)